I feel great
I just peed on a car
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
