FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
