I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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