Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
