On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
