just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
