I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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