Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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