My liver just broke up with me...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
