you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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