If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
