Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
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