see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
