im having a threesome with these popsicles
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
