Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
