I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
