She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
