Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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