I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
