I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
