eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
