I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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