Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
