She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
