i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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