Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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