I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
