remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
