I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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