Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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