I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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