If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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