Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
