I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
