The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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