i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
