If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i out mim tonsoeep
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