please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
