seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
