1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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