I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
