Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
