I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
