singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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