Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he told me I talked like a deaf person
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
