and you said cock pushups were impossible
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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