New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
