Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
