eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
