We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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