Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
