so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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