If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
