ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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