Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
