that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
