I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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