My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
