last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
its not stalking. its research.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
