I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize