he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize