failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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