He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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